Animal Attraction
by Rupert Brown
Summary: Tudgeman must choose between Miranda or Veruca; Sam, Jo and Matt go to the zoo. Written in Screenplay Format. Fictional "Third Season".
1. Default Chapter

Here it is, my second installment or "episode" that takes place in a mythical "Season 3". Here's hoping someone likes it. -)

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY

We find GORDO at his locker getting some books, when who should come running up but TUDGEMAN. He looks panicky.

TUDGEMAN  
(frantic)  
You've got to help me Gordo.

GORDO  
What's up?

TUDGEMAN  
Have you seen Miranda or Veruca around?

GORDO  
(puzzled)  
No…

TUDGEMAN  
Good!

GORDO  
Why? What's going on?

TUDGEMAN  
Well, you remember Miranda's party last year?

**CLIP: MY FAIR LARRY – Miranda slow dancing with Tudge, looking entranced.**

**BACK TO SCENE**

GORDO  
Yeah, you two seemed to have hit it off.

TUDGEMAN  
Exactly. But that's the problem!

GORDO  
I don't follow you.

TUDGEMAN  
Do you remember the murder mystery party at Lizzie's house?

GORDO  
Do I?

**CLIP: CLUELESS – Gordo and Lizzie out on the porch.**

**BACK TO SCENE**

Tudgeman snaps Gordo out of his reminiscing.

TUDGEMAN  
Can we focus on my problem here?

GORDO  
Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

TUDGEMAN  
Thanks. The problem is what happened at that party.

**CLIP: CLUELESS – Larry and Veruca share a romantic moment.**

**BACK TO SCENE**

TUDGEMAN  
So you see, I'm caught in the middle.

GORDO  
(laughing)  
Let me get this straight. You, Tudgeman, are caught in a love triangle?

TUDGEMAN  
You know, amusement doesn't really help the situation any!

GORDO  
(still laughing)  
I'm sorry. But really, I think you're making more of this than you should.

TUDGEMAN  
(suave)

If only that were so mi amigo. Curse my good looks and debonair personality. I can't tarry in one place too long. I'm off.

Tudgeman rushes off, glancing around him on the lookout.

GORDO  
(shakes head)  
Tudgeman…

Enter LIZZIE and MIRANDA. They walk up to greet their friend.

MIRANDA  
Say Gordo, have you seen Larry around?

GORDO  
Tudgeman? Ah… Why?

MIRANDA  
When I was in Mexico I picked up a Star Trekker, memorabilia, thingy. And I thought I'd give it to him.

LIZZIE  
Wait. Are you liking Larry Tudgeman now?

MIRANDA  
(slightly embarrassed)  
Well, Larry's kind of cool, in a weird sort of way.  
(to Gordo)  
So, have you seen him?

GORDO  
(pointing in opposite direction)  
I think he went that way.

Miranda departs happily.

LIZZIE  
This is so cool. Miranda may have her first real boyfriend. Even if it is Tudgeman.

GORDO  
(pensive)  
Yeah, about that—

Gordo is interrupted as VERUCA comes up to them.

VERUCA  
Hi guys.

LIZZIE  
(brightly)  
Hi Veruca!

GORDO  
(less so)  
Uh, hi.

VERUCA  
Say, I was wondering if you'd seen Larry this morning.

LIZZIE  
Sorry. But Gordo did.

Veruca looks at him eagerly. Gordo points in yet another direction.

GORDO  
He went in that direction.

VERUCA  
Thanks. See you later.

Veruca leaves.

LIZZIE  
(puzzled)  
Gordo, that wasn't where you told Miranda—

Gordo takes Lizzie's arm to lead her off.

GORDO  
We need to talk…

FADE OUT:

END OF COLD OPENING


	2. Act One

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. MCGUIRE HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

JO is engaged in Kitchen work while MATT is eating his cereal. Enter SAM.

SAM  
(to Matt)  
Hey champ. Ready to go to the zoo today?

MATT  
You bet dad. I want to see those foxes. I really dig their style…

JO  
(laughing)  
Well, you'll be able to see all the animals. Though I don't know who's more excited. You or your father.

SAM  
Jo, the zoo can be a very educational experience. It's about the majesty of nature.

JO  
Uh, huh.

SAM  
Besides, I wanna see the pandas!

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY

Lizzie and Gordo are walking down the hallway. Gordo's just explained Tudgeman's situation to Lizzie.

LIZZIE  
So, Miranda and Veruca like the same guy? And he happens to be Tudgeman?

GORDO  
You got it.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Warning! Warning! Does not compute! Does not compute!

LIZZIE  
Poor Miranda.

GORDO  
Poor Tudgeman. He's completely unprepared for this. He goes from not even being able to touch a girl to having two of them practically overnight.  
(beat)  
I have to admit, part of me admires the guy.

Lizzie gives him a cold stare. 'The Look'.

GORDO  
(stammering)  
Not to say that I'd want that of course.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Not if you know what's good for ya!

LIZZIE  
That's better.

GORDO  
So, what do we do?

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
He's asking me?

LIZZIE  
I don't know—

Up walks Miranda.

MIRANDA  
Hey guys. I keep missing Tudgeman. It's almost like he's avoiding me, but I know that's not possible.

LIZZIE  
Uh, yeah Miranda. I mean, why would Tudgeman avoid you?

MIRANDA  
I know, it doesn't make sense.

At this point Tudgeman rounds a corner, sees Miranda, and goes back as fast as he can. Only Gordo is witness to this.

MIRANDA (CON'T.)  
Guess I'll just have to try harder.

Lizzie and Gordo share a look.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – DAY

Sam, Jo and Matt are standing near the monkey cage.

SAM  
(to Matt)  
Hey look, there's Fredo's relatives.

MATT  
Hiya little guys. How're you liking the zoo?

One of the monkeys 'raspberries' him.

MATT  
Can't say I blame ya. Being cooped up all day.

SAM  
Let's give them a peanut!

JO  
Sam! Don't feed the animals! You saw the signs!

SAM  
Ah, come on Jo. It's only a peanut. Besides, they look hungry. Isn't that right little guys? Here you go.

Sam tosses a peanut into the cage only to have it tossed back out, hitting him in the face. Matt laughs.

CUT TO:

SHORT MONTAGE TO: "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG":

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY

Miranda passes a row of lockers looking around for Tudgeman. Then Veruca comes by from the opposite direction, also looking around for Tudgeman. When the coast is clear one of the locker doors opens to reveal Tudgeman hiding inside. He looks from side to side to make sure they're gone.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – QUAD – DAY

Students mill around. Some are putting trash in a garbage can. Miranda and Veruca, separately and unaware of each other, go around inquiring of various kids if they've seen Tudgeman. They all shake their heads or some other negative signs. When the girls go on their way Tudgeman emerges from the trashcan, where he's been hiding.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY

Miranda pauses briefly from her search to rest under a tree. Directly opposite her Veruca does the same thing on the other side of the tree. Still thinking, they are off again soon, each in their own direction. The camera pans up to reveal Tudgeman hidden in the tree's crown.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – DAY

Miranda pops into a classroom looking for Tudgeman. Not seeing him she leaves. Veruca comes and does the same thing then leaves. A teacher then closes the door – revealing Tudgeman who had been hiding behind it.

End of Montage

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – STAIRWELL – DAY

Lizzie, Gordo and Tudgeman are standing at the bottom of the stairwell. Tudgeman looks around shiftily.

LIZZIE  
Larry, you can't keep hiding from Miranda and Veruca.

TUDGEMAN  
You're right. I'm running out of places…

LIZZIE  
That's not what I meant.

GORDO  
Larry, as ridiculous as this sounds – and believe me, it sounds ridiculous – you've got two girls chasing after you. The only thing for you to do is stand up and deal with it.

TUDGEMAN  
(pleading)  
But how?

LIZZIE  
(hesitantly)  
Well… Who do you like more?

TUDGEMAN  
That's the problem. I like them both.

GORDO  
Definitely not helping Tudgeman.

TUDGEMAN  
I know. But I can't choose between them. Did Kirk choose between Spock or McCoy?

GORDO  
Kirk wasn't dating Spock or McCoy. You are.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Okay. This conversation has officially entered the 'weird zone'.

TUDGEMAN  
Look, I need some more time to think this over.

GORDO  
Time is the one thing you don't have much of. They're going to find you sooner or later.

TUDGEMAN  
(conflicted)  
I know. I know.

Tudgeman walks away unsure as to what to do.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – ELEPHANT ENCLOSURE – DAY

Sam, Jo and Matt are standing in front of the Elephant display. Sam is reading the plaque that gives information about the animal being displayed.

SAM  
(reading)  
Hey Matt. It says here that an elephant eats 600 pounds of food a day. That's pretty interesting, huh son?  
(beat)  
Son?

Sam and Jo turn around – Matt's gone.

JO  
Matt!

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – ORANGUTAN CAGE – DAY

Matt is talking to an orangutan while holding an animal shaped pinwheel he's picked up while at the zoo.

MATT  
So then the barber says, "I thought he was a monkey!"

The orangutan smiles and makes noise indicating laughter.

MATT (CON'T.)  
I'm sorry you have to be all locked up in there. But it is for your own good.

The orangutan reaches through the bars and pats Matt while toying with the pinwheel.

MATT (CON'T.)  
You want this, boy?

Jo and Sam rush up, having found Matt.

JO  
Matt! Where were you? We thought you'd run off.

MATT  
(indicating the orangutan)  
I was just visiting with Hank here.

JO  
Well, you can just tell Hank goodbye mister! You're not leaving our sight.

Jo pulls Matt away. In the process the pinwheel ends up in Hank's hands.

ANGLE ON: Hank.

We see him take the stick part of the pinwheel and place it in the keyhole of his cage. He fiddles around with it until the lock 'clicks' and we see the cage door open. Hank smiles and makes his satisfaction known.

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – DAY

Mr. Dig comes into his empty classroom. He goes to sit behind the desk when he bumps into something.

ANGLE ON: Tudgeman crouched down underneath the desk.

Sheepishly he gets up.

TUDGEMAN  
Sorry about that.

MR. DIG  
(bemused)  
Something you want to talk about Mr. Tudgeman?

Tudgeman sits at a vacant desk.

TUDGEMAN  
(helpless)  
It's just, I like Miranda and Veruca.

MR. DIG  
(sympathetic)  
Ah, woman troubles.

TUDGEMAN  
I can't just choose between them…

MR. DIG  
Then don't.

TUDGEMAN  
(confused)  
Huh?

MR. DIG  
(laughing)  
Mr. Tudgeman, that's what dating is all about. You take 'Becky Sue' out to the movies one night and then you take 'Mary Beth' to the theater the next. Dating necessitates going out with more than one person. Now, if you're going steady, that's a whole different ballgame. But dating itself, there's nothing to 'choose' over.

TUDGEMAN  
I'd never thought of it like that.

MR. DIG  
That's what the whole process of courtship is for. Weeding through various people until you find 'the one'.

TUDGEMAN  
That seems reasonable.

MR. DIG  
That's because it is Mr. Tudgeman.

TUDGEMAN  
I wonder if Miranda and Veruca will see it that way?

MR. DIG  
That I can't help you with.  
(beat)  
But anyway, ask yourself, if they're not reasonable, would you really want to date them in the first place?

CLOSE ON: Tudgeman as he ponders the situation.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


	3. Act Two

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

SHORT MONTAGE TO "IN THE JUNGLE" BY LEBO M:

EXT. ZOO – CHIMPANZEE CAGE – DAY

Hank the orangutan opens the chimpanzee cage, allowing them to run free.

EXT. ZOO – ZEBRA ENCLOSURE - DAY

Hank sets loose the zebras, who file out.

EXT. ZOO – ELEPHANT PEN – DAY

Sam, Jo and Matt are looking at an exhibit, which is off camera. Behind them Hank is freeing the occupants of yet another cage. This time it's baby elephants. They scamper off without anyone the wiser.

EXT. ZOO – LION HOUSE – DAY

Hank opens the cage door, allowing the King of the Jungle to stalk majestically out.

End of Montage

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – REFRESHMENT AREA – DAY

The McGuire's are sitting at a table having some lunch.

JO  
(to Matt)  
Are you having fun honey?

MATT  
You bet. The zoo's great.

SAM  
(to Jo)  
See, I knew coming here was a good idea. It's the perfect day for it.

At this point they are unaware that Hank has snuck beside them. With no one looking, he snatches Sam's basket of French fries and scampers off. Sam doesn't notice they're gone until he turns to get a fry.

SAM  
(puzzled)  
Hey, where'd my fries go?

JO  
You must of eaten them.

SAM  
(scratches head)  
I could have sworn I had a whole basket left.

It is here that a monkey, using its tail to hold onto a branch, lowers itself to the table unobserved. It grabs a cup full of soda near Jo. Having the cup in its possession, the monkey pulls itself back into the tree to enjoy its ill gotten gain. Jo grabs for her cup only to realize that it is not there.

JO  
Where's my cup?

SAM  
Probably with my fries. Something's going on around here.

As they look around, none of them see a hawk swoop in and take off with Matt's hotdog.

MATT  
(turned back around)  
Now my hotdog's gone!

SAM  
Come on, let's go see the manager.

They get up and leave.

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY

Tudgeman, Lizzie and Gordo are standing near the lockers. Tudgeman has just finished telling them about his conversation with Mr. Dig.

GORDO  
(to Tudgeman)  
Mr. Dig's right. You are permitted to date more than one girl at a time.  
(off Lizzie's look)  
Unless of course you're going steady. That's a whole other thing.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
You better believe it buddy boy!

TUDGEMAN  
Lizzie, you're a girl, what do you think?

LIZZIE  
I don't know Larry. I mean, I don't want to see Veruca get hurt, but Miranda is my best friend. I'm probably not the best person to ask.

TUDGEMAN  
Well, as a girl, how would you feel about Gordo dating other girls?

GORDO  
(quickly)  
Totally different situation with us. We're in an exclusive relationship.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Good boy!

LIZZIE  
Larry, I can't really tell you what to do. You'll just have to go with your heart.

GORDO  
Yeah. All you can do is throw the dice and see what comes up.

TUDGEMAN  
Thanks…

Tudgeman walks off.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – QUAD – DAY

Gordo and Lizzie are sitting at a table when Miranda comes up and sits down.

MIRANDA  
I can't find Tudgeman anywhere. It's like he's there, then when I turn around he isn't.

LIZZIE  
(hesitantly)  
Yeah… So, um, I guess you, ah, really like Larry?

MIRANDA  
(searching)  
I can't really explain it. He's still Tudgeman, but somehow he's more, you know?

LIZZIE  
(not really understanding)  
Uh, huh…

MIRANDA  
Ever since he came to my party it's like I've realized that there's more to him than I thought.  
(beat)  
I mean, I know his interests are kind of dorky, but he's attached to them with such a passion that it actually makes them kind of cool. There's more to Tudgeman than a science fiction nerd. There's a sensitive, soulful person inside.

GORDO  
So you're saying Tudgeman's still different, only not in a bad way anymore.

MIRANDA  
I guess.

LIZZIE  
So… If Larry were to, say, ask you out on a date, what would you say…?

MIRANDA  
(thinks intently)  
I'd say yes.

GORDO  
Even knowing the social humiliation that would follow?

MIRANDA  
(quietly/secret smile)  
Yeah.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
It's official. Miranda's in love with Larry Tudgeman.

GORDO  
Are you sure Larry feels the same way about you?

Lizzie gapes at him in horror.

MIRANDA  
Don't be ridiculous Gordo. I danced with him, remember?  
(beat)  
You know, I think this could be the start of something big. Well, I'll see you guys later. I'm off in search of the elusive 'Tudgeman'.

Miranda leaves.

LIZZIE  
What are we going to do Gordo? Miranda obviously likes Tudgeman, and we can't let her get hurt.

GORDO  
There's nothing we can do Lizzie. The ball's in Tudgeman's court. It's up to him to decide what to do. Besides, he's already said that he likes Miranda back.

LIZZIE  
But he also said he likes Veruca the same way. I just don't want to see Miranda crushed, that's all.

GORDO  
Well neither do I. She's my friend too. Anyway, who says she has to be hurt? Like Mr. Dig said, it's not a crime to date two girls at once. Heck, it's not even dishonest. That's what the dating game is all about.

LIZZIE  
Do you really think either or both of them will go for that?

GORDO  
I don't know. You're the girl, you tell me.

LIZZIE  
(thinking)  
It would depend on how much I liked the guy. I wouldn't like it…

GORDO  
But you'd ultimately go along with it?

LIZZIE  
It would depend.

GORDO  
Well, either way there's not much we can do besides sit back and watch.

Lizzie looks on worryingly.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO

Sam and Jo, with Matt, are heading for the Zoo Manager's office when people run past them yelling hysterically.

PERSON  
Run for your lives! The animals are loose!

SAM  
What?

At this point the zoo's public address system comes on over the mounted speakers.

P.A.  
Attention please. We are experiencing a minor problem, please do not be alarmed. Our trained staff is already working on it. There is nothing to be frightened of.

JO  
They call the animals escaping a 'minor problem'?

SAM  
You heard him Jo, there's nothing to worry about. They've got things under control.

Right then one of the 'trained zoo staff' goes running by in terror.

ZOO ATTENDANT  
Lion on the loose! Lion on the loose!

JO  
I'm getting us out of here!

As she grabs Sam and Matt the zoo's P.A. System starts up again.

P.A.  
In the interest of safety, we have locked down the zoo until the situation is well in hand. Again, do not be alarmed. This is merely a cautionary procedure.

JO  
They're locking down the zoo?

SAM  
In the interests of safety.

JO  
Ours or the animals! Matt, I want you to stay close to us—

Jo turns to find Matt petting a large brown bear.

JO  
(quietly)  
Matt. Honey. I want you to S-L-O-W-L-Y make your way over to your father and me.

MATT  
It's alright mom. He's friendly, see?

Matt pets the bear. The bear seems to like it.

SAM  
Matt, do what your mother says.

MATT  
(reluctantly)  
Alright… I never get to do cool stuff.

Matt makes his way over to Jo and Sam.

JO  
Petting a wild animal is not 'cool'. It's dangerous!

MATT  
What 'wild animal'? He lives in a zoo. Isn't that right dad?

SAM  
He does have a point Jo.  
(off look)  
I mean, your mother's right Matt.

JO  
Let's see if we can't find someplace safer.

As they go off—

ANGLE ON: Bear, as it sits up on its haunches and waves goodbye to the McGuire's.

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – DAY

Lizzie, Gordo and Veruca are seated at a table together. They are conducting a science experiment, thus they are all wearing white coats, gloves, and safety goggles.

LIZZIE  
(to Veruca)  
So, uh, did you ever find Larry?

VERUCA  
Interesting you should mention that. I haven't seen him all day. He didn't even show up for the Star Trek meeting at lunch.

LIZZIE  
(haltingly)  
Uh, huh. So, um, are you two like an item now?

VERUCA  
How do you mean?

GORDO  
She means are you going out with Tudgeman?

LIZZIE  
(shoving Gordo in the ribs)  
Gordo!

VERUCA  
Why do you ask?

LIZZIE  
Well, I was just, ah, curious since, you know, you and Tudgeman hit it off at the murder mystery party.

VERUCA  
(smiling)  
Yeah, that was fun. It will always be our 'moment'.

LIZZIE  
(uncomfortably)  
Uh, huh…

GORDO  
So, are you?

VERUCA  
What?

GORDO  
Going out with Tudgeman.

VERUCA  
Yeah, I guess you could say that.

LIZZIE  
So are you like, um, his girlfriend?

VERUCA  
We haven't really discussed it, but I would hope so.

LIZZIE  
Oh…

GORDO  
What would you think about Tudgeman dating other girls?

(off look)  
Hypothetically of course.

VERUCA  
(puzzled)  
Why? Where is this going?

Before anyone can answer, the teacher calls the class back to attention.

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – LATER

Lizzie and Gordo are filing out of class.

LIZZIE  
This is all just too stressful.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
And I'm not even the one with the problem!

GORDO  
It's hard on you? I still can't get over the idea of Tudgeman having two women chasing after him. Not just one, but two! Talk about going from dud to stud overnight!

LIZZIE  
I'm just worried over how Miranda is going to take it. Regardless of what Larry decides.

GORDO  
Well, she's tough. Anyway, that's what she has us for. We've always got her back.

Miranda walks up, having only heard the last part.

MIRANDA  
Got my back for what?

GORDO  
(startled)  
Uh, nothing. Just whenever. You know.  
(beat)  
So, did you find Larry?

MIRANDA  
No.  
(brightening)  
But I'm sure to see him in Math. It's his favorite class.

GORDO  
Good thinking.

Miranda goes on ahead. As Lizzie and Gordo walk on who should walk up but Veruca.

GORDO  
Let me guess, you're going to corner Tudgeman in Math class.

VERUCA  
How'd you know?

GORDO  
Wild guess.

Veruca departs smiling.

GORDO  
Math is definitely going to be an eventful class for Tudgeman today.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
I just hope it turns out to be positive and not negative!

All sorts of positive and negative numbers float around Animated Lizzie.

CUT TO:

SHORT MONTAGE TO: "HEEBY-JEEBIES" BY LITTLE RICHARD:

EXT. ZOO – DAY

Jo, Sam and Matt come upon an elephant seal. Jo and Sam spirit away with a reluctant Matt.

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The McGuire's come upon a large python hanging from a tree limb. Jo and Sam trundle Matt off once more.

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The McGuire's come upon a hippopotamus. Once more, Jo and Sam flee with Matt.

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The McGuire's come face to face with a lion. As could be guessed, they skidattle with Matt.

End of Montage

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – VISITOR'S CENTER – DAY

Jo and Sam, with Matt in tow, find the ZOO MANAGER, who is in a high degree of stress.

SAM  
(to Manager)  
What kind of a place are you running here? Everything's on the loose!

ZOO MANAGER  
(harried)  
Someone let the animals out of their exhibits.

JO  
Who would go and do such a thing?

ZOO MANAGER  
We don't know. But I assure you folks; we are doing everything we can. Things are well under control.

JO  
(incredulous)  
You call having to dodge lions and tigers and bears 'under control'?

As Jo is giving the Zoo Manager a piece of her mind, Hank the orangutan walks up with his pinwheel, observed only by Matt, who bends down to converse with him.

MATT  
Hey there little fella. Whatcha got there?  
Hank hands back Matt's pinwheel with a thankful expression on his face.

MATT  
My pinwheel! Thanks! I hope you had fun with it.

ANGLE ON: Hank

We see Hank smile and nod his head in the affirmative.

CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – MATH CLASS – DAY

Math Class is almost over. Lizzie and Gordo's desks are right next to each other. Lizzie leans in to whisper to Gordo.

LIZZIE  
I'm worried. What's Larry going to do?

GORDO  
I don't know. But whatever it is he'll have to do it soon, class is almost over. And he's trapped like a rat.

ANGLE ON: Tudgeman with a concerned/conflicted look on his face. A little behind him, and on either side, are Miranda and Veruca who glance up smiling at the Tudge.

The school bell rings, letting class out and signaling the moment of truth.

The class files out as Lizzie and Gordo stay behind. Both Veruca and Miranda make their move on Tudgeman, each oblivious of the intentions of the other.

VERUCA/MIRANDA  
(brightly)  
Hi Larry!

TUDGEMAN  
(less enthusiastically)  
Uh, hi girls.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
This isn't going to be pretty. I can't watch!

Animated Lizzie covers her face, but parts a finger aside to peek out.

MIRANDA  
(self consciously)  
So, uh, the Back to School dance is coming up—

VERUCA  
(interrupting)  
Funny, I was just going to bring that up.

MIRANDA  
(uninterested)  
Fascinating.  
(beat)  
(to Larry)  
So, I was wondering…

DOUBLE SCREEN  
VERUCA/MIRANDA  
(to Tudgeman)  
Would you like to go to it with me?

VERUCA/MIRANDA  
(to each other)  
What? You?

VERUCA  
You're asking him to the dance?

MIRANDA  
(defensive)  
Well… Yeah.

VERUCA  
You can't ask him to the dance.

MIRANDA  
And why not?

VERUCA  
Because I am!

MIRANDA  
You? Why would you ask him out?

VERUCA  
Because I like him.

MIRANDA  
(making an admission)  
Well… I like him to.  
(lamely)  
So there.

VERUCA  
(dissentious)  
Please. I hung around with him when he was nothing more than another 'nerd' to you.

MIRANDA  
Yeah? Well, I've got dibs on him first.

VERUCA  
In your dreams sister.

MIRANDA  
Oh yeah?

The two blow up into a heated argument while Tudgeman stands there hapless.

LIZZIE  
Larry needs help.

GORDO  
You're telling me…

LIZZIE  
Gordo! This is serious!

GORDO  
I know.

But before they can do anything, Tudgeman takes control of the situation.

TUDGEMAN  
Ladies! Ladies!

He attracts their attention over their bickering. They calm down, but continue to glare at one another.

TUDGEMAN  
(from the heart)  
To say I'm flattered is an extreme understatement. Any guy would be more than lucky to have any one of you like him. And to have both of you like me… Whoa. The words aren't made that can express how that makes me feel.

Veruca and Miranda soften somewhat.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Awwww.

TUDGEMAN  
I mean, you're both great. And I really like you a lot. And that's the problem. I like you both.

Veruca and Miranda both stand there unsure as to the context of the situation.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Tudgeman's drowning, and he doesn't have a life preserver.

At this point Gordo pops forward unexpectedly to help Tudgeman out.

GORDO  
The solution to all this is simple.

VERUCA/MIRANDA  
It is?

GORDO  
(to Veruca)  
You want to date him, right?

VERUCA  
Well, yeah.

GORDO  
(to Miranda)  
And you want to date him, correct?

MIRANDA  
Yeah…

GORDO  
The answer is obvious. You both date him.

MIRANDA  
What?

VERUCA  
That's craziness.

GORDO  
No, it's isn't. Look, by not going steady with him you each get to see if he's really the catch you think he is. Since he's dating both of you that gives each of you license to date other boys as well. It's all about comparison-shopping. If you find someone you like better than Tudgeman, great. If not, it gives Larry here time to decide which one of you he likes more. It's a can't lose proposition.

Veruca and Miranda mull over the idea.

VERUCA  
I guess that makes sense…

GORDO  
You bet it does. So, Tudgeman first takes out one of you then the other, then so on. Agreed?

MIRANDA  
Agreed.

VERUCA  
Agreed.

MIRANDA  
Oh, but who gets him for the dance?

GORDO  
Flip a coin.

TUDGEMAN  
(de sotto voice to Gordo)  
Thanks.

GORDO  
Don't mention it.

As Tudgeman and the girls work out the details, Lizzie comes up beside Gordo.

LIZZIE  
(admiringly)  
Not bad.

GORDO  
(cocky)  
It was simple really. All I had to do was make it seem like the idea benefited them more than Tudgeman. It's all about looking out for numero uno. Basic human nature.

ANIMATED LIZZIE  
Gordo's sneakier than I give him credit for.

Lizzie links her arm through Gordo's.

LIZZIE  
Looks like everyone leaves happy.

GORDO  
(smiling)  
Of course.

CUT TO:

INT. MCGUIRE HOME – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Jo, Sam and Matt have come through the front door, finally getting back from the zoo.

JO  
(fuming)  
I can't believe it took them four hours to round up all the animals! We are not going to the zoo again!

MATT  
Aw, come on mom. It wasn't that bad. Besides, we got some cool pictures!

Matt holds up a camera.

DIGITAL STILLS:

Sam running from a moose.

Jo yelling at the zoo manager.

Sam and Jo hugging each other in fright over a tiger.

SAM  
Um, yeah.  
(beat)  
Anyway Jo, look on the bright side. Matt learned about animals, didn't you son?

MATT  
Oh yeah. Very educational.

Sam's smile fades off of Jo's look.

JO  
Let's just make us something to eat.

The doorbell rings.

SAM  
I'll get it.

Sam answers the door as Jo and Matt head for the kitchen. Who should be standing at the threshold but Hank the orangutan.

SAM (CON'T.)  
Uh, Jo…

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW


End file.
